Big Hearts
by souvenirs
Summary: After all, big hearts are for breaking.


**So this story came from listening to Jack's Mannequin 'new' album on repeat for a week and a recent event in my life. The ending is horrible but I reached that point where I couldn't be happy with an ending so I just had to choose. so yeah, here it is.  
--DORA**

The sun, it's too bright. It should have a dimmer switch, just turn it a little to the right and it darkens just a bit. It's so obnoxiously out of place that you feel your eyes squeeze shut because you're not sure you can take it anymore.

The black in your hideous dress attracts the sun. Just another reason as to why the sun should not be shining. You see him pull at his tie across from you. He looks so uncomfortable, standing there in his suit, next to her mother. Her mother never liked him. He was too selfish, too narcissistic, too loud, too much. But you know he's uncomfortable from the situation, from the event that brought you here today rather than the fact he's standing next to a woman who hated his guts.

You don't listen as the priest speaks. He doesn't know her, he didn't know her. He says she'll be going to a better place now, but you remember something from a mass you attended when you were little and your mother was guilty. The ultimate sin was to believe that life wasn't worth living anymore. It's a gift to be cherished and held closely. Like a baby or an expensive gem. You stare at your hand. The rock placed on your hand twinkles in the sunlight and you feel bile rise up in your throat.

You don't hear anything as you slip off your heels and run. You feel the dew from the grass through your tights. Your tears stream down your face and they burn your face. You feel the sweat seep through the back of your dress and your hair is unraveling from the tight bun you brushed into this morning. You stop as you reach the car.

Nate comes after she's been put into the ground. You're kinda glad he didn't come after you. No one does. You sit in the parking lot, leaned against the car's rusted doors and cry. He doesn't say anything, just opens the door and helps you in, carefully as if you might break at any moment.

You drive, but you're not entirely sure where you're going. It's just a blur of colors and shapes. Nothing seems real. Except silence. It envelopes you and you wonder if that's what pushed her off the edge. The silence. It's always there. She stopped singing after a while.

You sigh heavily and you finally bring yourself out of the car. Nate hurries over to you and leads you to the building, is it her parent's house? Some kind of hall? You don't know, you don't care. Did she care? Did she realize what she was doing? Of course, she had to. She always cared. About everything. Maybe that was it.

You spend the rest of the day sitting at the table trying to analyze why she did it. You can't. It wasn't her. Tess maybe, she had always wanted to go out with a bang. That's been gone for a while since she got together with Jason. It was strange to think how they grew up. The six of them. From the unruly teenagers who were over-obsessed with each other to the grown-ups now. Sitting at a table, drinking coffee in silence. But there isn't six of them. It's five. One vital member of the group, gone. The absence hangs over them. It always will. You know it. She was the one who kept everyone together. It was odd to think the one person who lit up everyone's day with a smile would do this. She broke everyone with her final act.

You stand up. The air is suffocating you. You can't take it. It's too much and you want to go home and curl up in bed and just never get up ever again. You want to bury yourself in your giant comforter and cry and cry and cry some more. Everything is too hot and you want to feel your cold tears against your overheated skin. You whisper quietly to Nate that you can't do this. He looks up at you and grabs your hand. His skin is warm and soft and you remember how just a week ago you were happy to feel that warmth. Now it burns you and you pull away. You give your condolences to her parents. Her mother is wrapped in her father's arms. He nods for the both of them. You grow angry. How could she do this to them. The anger burns in your stomach as you turn and leave. You tell Nate you'll get home by yourself. He shakes his head. He'll take you home. No. You call a cab.

The drive is quiet and the driver doesn't try to make small talk. You thank him and rush into your apartment. You call Nate and tell him you made it back safe. You feel like a child, calling him every moment to let him know you're okay. But ever since she died he feels like he lets go of you, you might never come back. You curl up in your bed. The white of the sheets is bright against the black of your clothes. You don't take off your clothes, instead you lie there and let the silence of the apartment swallow you.

You let memories of her, of you, of everything play through your mind, like an old movie. The film is grainy and the soundtrack skips but it plays and plays. She loved so much. She laughed and sang and smiled. She lived.

Your throat aches when you swallow. Your head hurts when you remember. Your heart breaks when it beats. You don't want it to end. It's not that far. You want to know. You want answers. Had she given too much? She had had such a big heart. So much love, so much life. You curl up a little tighter and squeeze your eyes shut for the millionth time that day.

After all big hearts are for breaking.

**Bleg. I hate this ending. but other than that I actually like it. It's also inspired partly by Stars Beneath Her Feet's Frayed Ends. Great story, check it out. Anyways, let me know what you thought about it.**


End file.
